World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

Luis-Suarez-Uruguay

Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

1403485361000-USATSI-7965310

We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

EnglandJersey

 

England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

AustraliaMal

 

We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Faces Tough Draw For World Cup. Majority of American Sports Fans Still Deciding If They Give A Shit.

USsoccerthing

This past Friday was the official drawing for the 2014 World Cup.  All of the teams that qualified for the big tournament now know exactly who they will be playing in the group stage.  Unfortunately for the United States, the drawing landed them in the dreaded “Group of Death” with Germany, Ghana, and Portugal.  Everyone knows that team U.S.A. has struggled in previous World Cup tournaments, but now more than ever American sports fans are trying to figure out if they will “give a shit” about any of it.  “I know that it’s pretty important, but if the sport doesn’t involve being brutally tackled or taking steroids, then I’m just not interested.” said local football/baseball fan Todd Barringer.

Americans are still finding it hard to believe that soccer can be relevant in our high-paced society.  “Maybe if you could somehow put them in a fast car and have them drive quickly in a circle, then maybe you could get my attention.” said local NASCAR fan Bill Dunham.  “Or maybe put gloves on them and have them beat the shit out of each other.  That would be awesome” Dunham added.

The World Cup is going to be a huge challenge for U.S.A.  The biggest challenge, however, will be finding American fans that give a shit about soccer.  If the United States manage to pull an upset and advance in the tournament this summer, then maybe some people will jump on board with the whole soccer thing.  But then again, probably not.

by Danny Dagorn