Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head

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One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn

 

Lucky Fan Goes Home With Piece of Paul George’s Fibula

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Friday was a tragic day for basketball fans everywhere when Paul George, a member of the Indiana Pacers and the US men’s national basketball team, broke his leg in the most gruesome of fashions during the US Men’s basketball showcase game. The members of Team USA looked on in horror as the all star guard/forward took quite the tumble and basically split his leg in half. (If you’re squeamish, we recommend not Googling the images of his leg.)

Almost everyone in the building was in shock, except for one lucky fan who got a surprise at the end of the night. Garrett Paulson, a dedicated Pacers fan, was in attendance on Friday for the showcase. When George went down it was a hard pill to swallow for Paulson, but his night wouldn’t end in dismay. The Pacers fan noticed when he looked down that a piece of bone was laying on the floor by his shoe. Paulson knew that there were no chicken wings being sold at the concession stand, so it had to be a bone from something else.

When the injury occurred, a piece of George’s leg flung into the stands without anyone realizing what had happened. As medics searched around the court for the missing piece of fibula, Paulson realized what was by his seat. Paulson then quietly grabbed the bone and put it in his back pocket before fleeing the arena. He is currently making a Paul George shrine in his basement. Paul George’s recovery time now depends on whether or not Garrett Paulson will give back the piece of bone, however, it doesn’t seem likely.

by Danny Dagorn

Blake Griffin Will Not Play for Team USA to Focus on Acting

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All-Star forward for the Los Angeles Clippers, Blake Griffin will not be joining the USA Basketball team in Spain this summer. According to his agent, Scott Van Scottenstein, “Blake wants to focus and dedicate 100 percent of his energy on improving his acting skills for his many sponsors.” While Griffin easily had his best basketball season averaging career highs 24.1 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 3.9 apg,, he was not satisfied with acting in only 287 Subway commercials, 134 Nike commercials, and 4,399 Kia a.k.a Griffinforce commercials.

Griffin would also like to take his talents to Broadway. This makes it seems like he would like to play for New York Knicks, but he actually wants to act in Broadway musicals and plays. Blake commented, “I would absolutely love to bask in the bright lights, dance to a choreographed number in costume, and belt out high notes, just like my idol, Liza Minnelli.”

There have also been claims that some Clipper’s players will be boycotting the team while it’s under the controversial ownership of Donald Sterling. One of those players, All-Star guard Chris Paul, commented on Blake Griffin’s aspirations. “Blake is like a brother to me. Hey even my kid loves him! But this Broadway shit is crazy. He might as well play for that racist old bastard.”

By Josh Kastner

Lebron Remembers That He Now Has To Live In Cleveland Again, Regrets Everything

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Friday, July 11th, 2014 will forever be known as the day that Lebron James made his decision to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead of re-signing with the Miami Heat. Returning to his home state of Ohio felt like the right move on Friday, but now it seems that King James is having second thoughts about everything. Lebron is realizing that returning to Cleveland means that he will actually have to, well, live in Cleveland.

Today James addressed the media on his shocking decision, however it was Lebron that looked just as shocked as anyone else. “Cleveland man. This place has uh…a great culture. I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pretty cool, right? What else, what else.” Lebron stared into space as he realized the inevitable. He was now stuck in Cleveland, Ohio. “What am I doing?” James quietly asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling. “I was literally at the beach a week ago.”

At one point during the press conference Lebron remembered his old home in gorgeous Miami and started to cry. “Yup. Cleveland is great.” James muttered as he put his head down on the table and wept. It seems that everyone in Ohio, except Lebron will be excited for a new season of NBA basketball this year.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

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Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

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England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn