Blake Griffin Will Not Play for Team USA to Focus on Acting

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All-Star forward for the Los Angeles Clippers, Blake Griffin will not be joining the USA Basketball team in Spain this summer. According to his agent, Scott Van Scottenstein, “Blake wants to focus and dedicate 100 percent of his energy on improving his acting skills for his many sponsors.” While Griffin easily had his best basketball season averaging career highs 24.1 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 3.9 apg,, he was not satisfied with acting in only 287 Subway commercials, 134 Nike commercials, and 4,399 Kia a.k.a Griffinforce commercials.

Griffin would also like to take his talents to Broadway. This makes it seems like he would like to play for New York Knicks, but he actually wants to act in Broadway musicals and plays. Blake commented, “I would absolutely love to bask in the bright lights, dance to a choreographed number in costume, and belt out high notes, just like my idol, Liza Minnelli.”

There have also been claims that some Clipper’s players will be boycotting the team while it’s under the controversial ownership of Donald Sterling. One of those players, All-Star guard Chris Paul, commented on Blake Griffin’s aspirations. “Blake is like a brother to me. Hey even my kid loves him! But this Broadway shit is crazy. He might as well play for that racist old bastard.”

By Josh Kastner

Kevin Love Leaving Team USA To Focus More On Leaving Minnesota

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Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”

Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”

Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

28 Players Picked For USA Basketball Roster, Selections Make No Sense

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USA Basketball has announced their 28-man pool that will be used for the 2014 World Cup of Basketball and the 2016 Olympics.  After the announcement this morning, basketball fans everywhere have been voicing their frustrations with the roster.  The selections are slightly disappointing to say the least.

Many all-star favorites like Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, and Lebron James are on the list.  Other great players like Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony have also made the pool.  But, some of the guys selected for Team USA will confuse the fuck out of any basketball fan.  Along with some high-caliber talent, a bunch of strange and unusual players were picked to play.

One of the players selected is actor Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.  Steve Harvey also managed to snag a spot on the roster despite his age and mustache.  Fans were also disappointed with the selection of Randy Jackson, former judge on American Idol, and Danilo Gallinari, a player who is not from the United States and has a torn ACL.  The real surprise came with the selection of George Borsky, a janitor at Lower Merion High School who has chronic knee pain and tendinitis in his ankles.

Keep in mind that some of these players may be cut or replaced before the competitions, but for now here is the current list of United States players as it stands today:

  • Kevin Durant
  • Lebron James
  • Rob Schneider
  • Stephen Curry
  • Kevin Love
  • George Borsky
  • Russell Westbrook
  • Randy Jackson
  • Mo Rocca
  • Danilo Gallinari
  • Carmelo Anthony
  • Bernard Madoff
  • Anthony Bennett
  • DJ Jazzy Phil
  • Steve Harvey
  • Steve Harvey’s Wife
  • Tim Allen
  • Boo (the dog)
  • Alan Rickman
  • Steve Harvey’s Ex-Wife
  • Tiger
  • Orson Welles
  • Dave Matthews
  • James Harden
  • LaMarcus Aldridge
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Ron Jeremy
  • Blake Griffin

by Danny Dagorn