World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

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We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

NBA Unveils New All Star Uniforms

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The 2014 NBA All Star Weekend is fast approaching and fans everywhere have been waiting to see the big all star game on Sunday night.  Don’t forget about the dunk contest on Saturday too.  Fans have also been excited for the new jerseys that have been released to the public earlier this week.  They are quite unusual uniforms.

In an effort to spice up the festivities, the NBA has added masks to the required uniforms for the game.  So not only will you be able to watch your favorite basketball player, but you can also watch him play as a horse, an orange, a burglar, or even Batman!  Many players are disappointed with the masks that they have been given, while others are absolutely thrilled.  Dwight Howard was happy when he found out that his mask would be a Spiderman mask.  “Even though people call me Superman, I can deal with being Spiderman for a night.  I feel bad for Kyrie.  He has to be Donkey from Shrek!”  Howard said.  Other All Stars, like Kyrie Irving, were given masks that are a bit absurd.  Below is a picture of the athletes wearing the new All Star Jerseys, as well as the new All Star masks.

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(from left to right) Kyrie Irving, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Paul George

As you can see, this is a great PR move for the NBA.  It shows that they’re really trying to entertain fans to the best of their ability.  It might be hard for players to see anything while they play, but who gives a shit about the score of the All Star game anyway.  The NBA still hasn’t given Anthony Davis his mask yet but it’s rumored to either be Iron Man or a beaver.

by Danny Dagorn

Chris Kaman Dies On The Bench

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It’s a sad story.  Last night the Lakers played the Cavaliers in what had to be one of the most pathetic games that the NBA community has ever seen.  The Los Angeles Lakers, who were extremely short-handed, managed to dominate the horrible Cleveland Cavaliers.  LA only had eight players available, which eventually dwindled down to four after two players got injured, and two more fouled out. (Robert Sacre fouled out but eventually had to return to the game because the Lakers needed five players on the court.  It was a mess.)

Sure, the game was a real tragedy, but it doesn’t compare to the tragedy of Chris Kaman.  After fouling out of the game early in the fourth quarter, Kaman went to the bench.  He then decided to lay down on all of the chairs on the sideline.  Everyone in the stadium looked very confused as they saw Kaman sprawled out on the Lakers bench.  Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni looked over at the tall, white mass and just shrugged it off.  Let’s face it, with this Lakers season, nothing surprises D’Antoni at this point.  Little did D’Antoni know, Chris Kaman was dead.

That’s right.  Dead.  Once the gentle giant laid down, he immediately passed away.  Nobody is certain why he died but when our reporter Anna Sheeps asked teammate Steve Nash about Kaman’s untimely passing, Nash responded with two words, “locos tacos.”  The NBA is still mourning the sad death of one of basketball’s true legends.  Earlier today the rock icon Bono made an announcement that there will be a tribute concert to the late Chris Kaman.  The concert series will be called “Live Chris”.

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Bono announcing “Live Chris”

“Live Chris” will feature some of Kaman’s favorite bands like Kansas and Nine Inch Nails.  The event will be held later this year.  Metta World Peace is expected to perform a duet with a drunk Dennis Rodman.

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Chris Kaman

RIP Chris Kaman (1825-2014)

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

Richard Sherman Hires Jerry Maguire As Agent

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Richard Sherman is the best cornerback in football, and the Seahawks would be crazy not to sign him to a long term deal after he plays in the Super Bowl this weekend. Seahawks general manager John Schneider would like to begin negotiations as soon as possible, but he’s unable to because Sherman recently fired his agent because he “liked” a photo of Michael Crabtree’s on Instagram. Sherman is on the lookout for a new agent, and he’s got his eyes set on Jerry Maguire, the fictional movie character played by Tom Cruise.

Apparently Sherman thinks “Jerry Maguire” is a documentary, and believes that Jerry Maguire is an actual agent for athletes all across the country. “He quit his job for what he believed in, and I want an agent whose got the balls to get me the contract I deserve. I’m the best corner in the game, so why not get the best agent in the game to represent me! I want Jerry to show me the money!”, Sherman said. According to reports, Sherman couldn’t find Jerry’s email address anywhere, so he tried sending emails to JerryMaguire@gmail.com, JerryMaguire@hotmail.com, JerryMaguire@aol.com, and JerryMaguire@JerryMaguireAgency.com, but they all bounced because the emails simply don’t exist.

Seahawks general manager John Schneider is afraid Sherman might hold out until he finds Jerry Maguire to represent him, so he came up with the brilliant idea to hire Tom Cruise to play Jerry Maguire for a day, just so he can sign Sherman to a long term deal. The meeting took place at Tom Cruises’s house in Manhattan on Monday night, where all posters and movie memorabilia of Cruise was replaced with fake images of Jerry’s clients. Tom Cruise was even able to talk Cuba Gooding Jr. into portraying his role of wide receiver Rod Tidwell at the meeting. However, a scary moment occurred when Cuba almost broke character, when Sherman asked him how his retirement was, “I’m not retired! Everybody in Hollywood keeps saying that! I just can’t find a decent role!”, Gooding Jr. said.

By Kyle Simon

 

Peyton Manning Still Obsessed With Papa John’s

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WARNING: You may experience a Papa John’s overload.

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So that’s one Papa John’s commercial.  Ok, Peyton loves pizza.  I get that.

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Alright, doing two commercials is a bit strange but that pizza is damn good.

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Now it’s weird.  Peyton, relax.  You’re eating way too much pizza and spending way too much time with Papa John.

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See now you’re just throwing pizza dough like a fucking maniac.

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Peyton Manning needs an intervention.

by Danny Dagorn

28 Players Picked For USA Basketball Roster, Selections Make No Sense

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USA Basketball has announced their 28-man pool that will be used for the 2014 World Cup of Basketball and the 2016 Olympics.  After the announcement this morning, basketball fans everywhere have been voicing their frustrations with the roster.  The selections are slightly disappointing to say the least.

Many all-star favorites like Russell Westbrook, Stephen Curry, and Lebron James are on the list.  Other great players like Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony have also made the pool.  But, some of the guys selected for Team USA will confuse the fuck out of any basketball fan.  Along with some high-caliber talent, a bunch of strange and unusual players were picked to play.

One of the players selected is actor Rob Schneider from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.  Steve Harvey also managed to snag a spot on the roster despite his age and mustache.  Fans were also disappointed with the selection of Randy Jackson, former judge on American Idol, and Danilo Gallinari, a player who is not from the United States and has a torn ACL.  The real surprise came with the selection of George Borsky, a janitor at Lower Merion High School who has chronic knee pain and tendinitis in his ankles.

Keep in mind that some of these players may be cut or replaced before the competitions, but for now here is the current list of United States players as it stands today:

  • Kevin Durant
  • Lebron James
  • Rob Schneider
  • Stephen Curry
  • Kevin Love
  • George Borsky
  • Russell Westbrook
  • Randy Jackson
  • Mo Rocca
  • Danilo Gallinari
  • Carmelo Anthony
  • Bernard Madoff
  • Anthony Bennett
  • DJ Jazzy Phil
  • Steve Harvey
  • Steve Harvey’s Wife
  • Tim Allen
  • Boo (the dog)
  • Alan Rickman
  • Steve Harvey’s Ex-Wife
  • Tiger
  • Orson Welles
  • Dave Matthews
  • James Harden
  • LaMarcus Aldridge
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • Ron Jeremy
  • Blake Griffin

by Danny Dagorn

Highlights of Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Rant

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Richard Sherman has been turning heads in the NFL.  The Seattle Seahawks cornerback has been a very vocal player with little remorse for what he says about any opponent he faces.  Recently after his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers to advance to the Superbowl, Sherman made a few comments on a receiver that he was covering that game, Michael Crabtree.  “I’m the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get.”  Sherman stated.

Here are some highlights from Richard Sherman’s post-game interview with our reporter Fish Nelson after defeating the Niners:

Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Quotes:

 – “Well, I’m the best corner in the game!  When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get!  Don’t you EVER talk about me.  Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best. Or I’m gonna shut it for you real quick.  Michael Crabtree is mediocre at best.”

 – “Crabtree.  Just a straight up douche ass.”

 – “The Broncos are a joke.  Mediocre at best.  Idiots”

 – “By the way, have you seen the Wolf of Wall Street?  That movie was mediocre at best!  Definitely not Scorsese’s best work.”  

 – “I was driving here before the game and I heard a new song by Lorde.  Just mediocre, seriously.”  

 – “Have you seen Peyton Manning’s forehead?”

 – “I tried watching season one of the West Wing.  Mediocre at best.”  

 – “I ordered mediocre cheesy breadsticks from Papa John’s last night.”

 – “The new Samsung S4?!  Mediocre accessibility at best!”

“Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, mediocre research at best.”

If Richard Sherman wants to continue to blatantly insult people, then he has to pull off this Superbowl win against the Denver Broncos.  What a sweetheart.

by Danny Dagorn

Cavaliers Looking To Trade Andrew Bynum For A SodaStream

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It’s tough times for the Cleveland Cavaliers right now.  A team that once had high playoff hopes is now sitting at 10-21 with no chemistry and a wasted first pick in last year’s draft. (Anthony Bennett is averaging just 2.6 points and 2 rebounds per game).  Things have gone from bad to worse recently when the gambling, stripper-loving, dumbass Andrew Bynum, was suspended indefinitely for actions detrimental to the team.  Now Cavs general manager Chris Grant is shopping around, trying to find trade value for Bynum.  As it turns out, there isn’t much value at all.  However, as of this morning, things are starting to look up for the Cavaliers’ staff and players.

It has been reported by our own Fish Nelson, that the Los Angeles Lakers have an offer on the table for Cleveland.  Supposedly there is a SodaStream somewhere in the Lakers break room that Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has had his eye on for some time.  Aware of Gilbert’s envy for the carbonating soda machine, Lakers general manager Mitch Kupchak called the Cavs organization and made an offer that would satisfy both sides involved.  The Lakers would get the rights to center Andrew Bynum, therefore being able to pair him up with Pau Gasol for entertainment and great failure.  The Cavaliers would get the coveted SodaSteam, a home carbonation product that allows you to turn water into any of your favorite cola beverages.

The trade is still being negotiated and the Cavs organization are still open to other SodaStream-related offers.  As long as you have a SodaStream, you might be able to trade it in for a seven-foot center with knee/mental issues.  The Utah Jazz have reportedly offered Cleveland two SodaStreams and guard Gordon Hayward for center Anderson Varejao.  It’s a weird deal but the SodaStream is pretty great.  Look out for more reports of SodaStream offers for the Cavaliers.

By Danny Dagorn

Peyton Manning Breaks Single-Season Record For Most Papa John’s Consumed

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When it’s all said and done, Peyton Manning will be known as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.  You would think that father time would eventually catch up with Manning, but that has yet to happen.  This year, at 37, Peyton Manning looked unstoppable.  With help from a very solid Denver Broncos team, Peyton Mannng broke the single-season passing yards record by throwing a total of 5,477 yards.  Damn.  He also managed to break another incredible record.  This record, however, involved pizza.  Yup, Papa John’s has been the only thing on Peyton’s mind this year and with a winning spirit, the legend decided to go for the ultimate accomplishment.  Manning ate a total of 2,387 slices of Papa John’s pizza this season, passing the record previously held by Jerome Bettis.

“It was a real team effort.  I don’t think I could have done it without the help of late night delivery from Papa John’s and of course Pepto-Bismol.” Manning said in an interview with our own Todd Helton.  We also interviewed several doctors to get their thoughts on this enormous amount of indigestion.  Doctor Lee Ornament of the Denver Health Medical Center said this statement in regard to Manning’s record. “He’ll probably die.  That’s just too much sauce, too much pepperoni and too much cheese for one giant man’s system.”

Next season many other athletes will be aiming for Peyton’s record.  Clay Matthews is already pizza training his stomach for next year.  NBA player Roy Hibbert has even challenged Manning in saying that he is willing to eat 3,000 slices of pizza in one season.  With all of this Papa John’s consumed, there may not be enough Pepto-Bismol in the world to keep these athletes off of the toilet next season.

By Danny Dagorn