World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

Americans Still In Disbelief Of How Attractive Cristiano Ronaldo Is

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After many years of dominating the world of European soccer, Portuguese superstar Cristiano Ronaldo hasn’t taken his foot off of the acceleration for one second.  His 2013 has been absolutely spectacular with a total of 69 goals and 17 assists in 60 appearances.  The man’s talent is unquestionable.  His charm and overall attractiveness is also unquestionable.  I mean look at that picture.  Holy shit!  Let’s face it America.  Our athletes will never compare to the Portuguese phenom.  Hot damn.

Recently our field reporters Greg Orlin and Bing Jeeves took to the streets of New York City and showed everyday Americans pictures of Ronaldo.  The results were ridiculous.  People were passing out left and right as soon as their eyes locked on to the tall, dark, and handsome soccer player.  “I showed a picture of him shirtless to a business woman in Times Square, and she fell to the floor shaking and screaming.” Orlin said.  “I went inside a McDonald’s and showed the picture to a family of five and they all immediately dropped their pants and started crying all over their bic macs.” Jeeves added.  Yup, it was chaos.  Everyday Americans aren’t used to their athletes being as attractive as Real Madrid forward Cristiano Ronaldo.  I’ll demonstrate my point by showing examples of the standard athlete seen in popular American sports.

For example…

Good lord.

Josh McRoberts

No.

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One more.

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So yeah, you can see why the pants were dropping when people saw Ronaldo for the first time.  Seeing him in person must be like seeing a god.  Now it’s completely understandable why this fan ran out on to the field during a game this year just to hug CR7.

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Oh the sweet embrace.

By Danny Dagorn

U.S. Men’s Soccer Team Faces Tough Draw For World Cup. Majority of American Sports Fans Still Deciding If They Give A Shit.

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This past Friday was the official drawing for the 2014 World Cup.  All of the teams that qualified for the big tournament now know exactly who they will be playing in the group stage.  Unfortunately for the United States, the drawing landed them in the dreaded “Group of Death” with Germany, Ghana, and Portugal.  Everyone knows that team U.S.A. has struggled in previous World Cup tournaments, but now more than ever American sports fans are trying to figure out if they will “give a shit” about any of it.  “I know that it’s pretty important, but if the sport doesn’t involve being brutally tackled or taking steroids, then I’m just not interested.” said local football/baseball fan Todd Barringer.

Americans are still finding it hard to believe that soccer can be relevant in our high-paced society.  “Maybe if you could somehow put them in a fast car and have them drive quickly in a circle, then maybe you could get my attention.” said local NASCAR fan Bill Dunham.  “Or maybe put gloves on them and have them beat the shit out of each other.  That would be awesome” Dunham added.

The World Cup is going to be a huge challenge for U.S.A.  The biggest challenge, however, will be finding American fans that give a shit about soccer.  If the United States manage to pull an upset and advance in the tournament this summer, then maybe some people will jump on board with the whole soccer thing.  But then again, probably not.

by Danny Dagorn