Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head

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One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn

 

World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

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Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

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England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

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We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

Super Bowl To Be Put Down After A Good Run

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Years and years of exciting football led to one of the most disappointing games of all time on Sunday.  Fat fucks everywhere sat on their couches and watched as the number 1 defense, Seattle Seahawks, destroyed the number 1 offense, the Denver Broncos.  Most of us who watched Super Bowl XLVIII felt upset, not only because of the game, but also because of the shitty Bud Light commercials as well.  As a direct result of bad reviews and lots of unnerving fan mail, the National Football League have decided to take action.

After two days of processing the big game, a critical decision by the NFL has been made to put down the Super Bowl.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell broke the news early this morning in tears.  “There’s just nothing more we can do for her.  We had so many great memories, but it’s just her time to go.” Goodell said as he weeped.  Doctors are standing by now to receive the Super Bowl, which is in critical condition after the horrible accident on Sunday.  Our reporter Fish Nelson stated that a local veterinarian, Doctor Yute Stacker, will be the one to lethally inject the Super Bowl.  NFL superstars like Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman, and Clay Matthews will all be present to provide support for the Super Bowl as she takes her last breath.

by Danny Dagorn

Richard Sherman Hires Jerry Maguire As Agent

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Richard Sherman is the best cornerback in football, and the Seahawks would be crazy not to sign him to a long term deal after he plays in the Super Bowl this weekend. Seahawks general manager John Schneider would like to begin negotiations as soon as possible, but he’s unable to because Sherman recently fired his agent because he “liked” a photo of Michael Crabtree’s on Instagram. Sherman is on the lookout for a new agent, and he’s got his eyes set on Jerry Maguire, the fictional movie character played by Tom Cruise.

Apparently Sherman thinks “Jerry Maguire” is a documentary, and believes that Jerry Maguire is an actual agent for athletes all across the country. “He quit his job for what he believed in, and I want an agent whose got the balls to get me the contract I deserve. I’m the best corner in the game, so why not get the best agent in the game to represent me! I want Jerry to show me the money!”, Sherman said. According to reports, Sherman couldn’t find Jerry’s email address anywhere, so he tried sending emails to JerryMaguire@gmail.com, JerryMaguire@hotmail.com, JerryMaguire@aol.com, and JerryMaguire@JerryMaguireAgency.com, but they all bounced because the emails simply don’t exist.

Seahawks general manager John Schneider is afraid Sherman might hold out until he finds Jerry Maguire to represent him, so he came up with the brilliant idea to hire Tom Cruise to play Jerry Maguire for a day, just so he can sign Sherman to a long term deal. The meeting took place at Tom Cruises’s house in Manhattan on Monday night, where all posters and movie memorabilia of Cruise was replaced with fake images of Jerry’s clients. Tom Cruise was even able to talk Cuba Gooding Jr. into portraying his role of wide receiver Rod Tidwell at the meeting. However, a scary moment occurred when Cuba almost broke character, when Sherman asked him how his retirement was, “I’m not retired! Everybody in Hollywood keeps saying that! I just can’t find a decent role!”, Gooding Jr. said.

By Kyle Simon