World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

Luis-Suarez-Uruguay

Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

1403485361000-USATSI-7965310

We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

EnglandJersey

 

England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

AustraliaMal

 

We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

Super Bowl To Be Put Down After A Good Run

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 2.24.56 PM

Years and years of exciting football led to one of the most disappointing games of all time on Sunday.  Fat fucks everywhere sat on their couches and watched as the number 1 defense, Seattle Seahawks, destroyed the number 1 offense, the Denver Broncos.  Most of us who watched Super Bowl XLVIII felt upset, not only because of the game, but also because of the shitty Bud Light commercials as well.  As a direct result of bad reviews and lots of unnerving fan mail, the National Football League have decided to take action.

After two days of processing the big game, a critical decision by the NFL has been made to put down the Super Bowl.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell broke the news early this morning in tears.  “There’s just nothing more we can do for her.  We had so many great memories, but it’s just her time to go.” Goodell said as he weeped.  Doctors are standing by now to receive the Super Bowl, which is in critical condition after the horrible accident on Sunday.  Our reporter Fish Nelson stated that a local veterinarian, Doctor Yute Stacker, will be the one to lethally inject the Super Bowl.  NFL superstars like Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman, and Clay Matthews will all be present to provide support for the Super Bowl as she takes her last breath.

by Danny Dagorn

Richard Sherman Hires Jerry Maguire As Agent

Jerrryy!

Richard Sherman is the best cornerback in football, and the Seahawks would be crazy not to sign him to a long term deal after he plays in the Super Bowl this weekend. Seahawks general manager John Schneider would like to begin negotiations as soon as possible, but he’s unable to because Sherman recently fired his agent because he “liked” a photo of Michael Crabtree’s on Instagram. Sherman is on the lookout for a new agent, and he’s got his eyes set on Jerry Maguire, the fictional movie character played by Tom Cruise.

Apparently Sherman thinks “Jerry Maguire” is a documentary, and believes that Jerry Maguire is an actual agent for athletes all across the country. “He quit his job for what he believed in, and I want an agent whose got the balls to get me the contract I deserve. I’m the best corner in the game, so why not get the best agent in the game to represent me! I want Jerry to show me the money!”, Sherman said. According to reports, Sherman couldn’t find Jerry’s email address anywhere, so he tried sending emails to JerryMaguire@gmail.com, JerryMaguire@hotmail.com, JerryMaguire@aol.com, and JerryMaguire@JerryMaguireAgency.com, but they all bounced because the emails simply don’t exist.

Seahawks general manager John Schneider is afraid Sherman might hold out until he finds Jerry Maguire to represent him, so he came up with the brilliant idea to hire Tom Cruise to play Jerry Maguire for a day, just so he can sign Sherman to a long term deal. The meeting took place at Tom Cruises’s house in Manhattan on Monday night, where all posters and movie memorabilia of Cruise was replaced with fake images of Jerry’s clients. Tom Cruise was even able to talk Cuba Gooding Jr. into portraying his role of wide receiver Rod Tidwell at the meeting. However, a scary moment occurred when Cuba almost broke character, when Sherman asked him how his retirement was, “I’m not retired! Everybody in Hollywood keeps saying that! I just can’t find a decent role!”, Gooding Jr. said.

By Kyle Simon

 

Peyton Manning Still Obsessed With Papa John’s

JohnPizza

WARNING: You may experience a Papa John’s overload.

PeytonPizza1

So that’s one Papa John’s commercial.  Ok, Peyton loves pizza.  I get that.

PeytonPizza3

Alright, doing two commercials is a bit strange but that pizza is damn good.

PeytonPizza4

Now it’s weird.  Peyton, relax.  You’re eating way too much pizza and spending way too much time with Papa John.

PeytonPizza2

See now you’re just throwing pizza dough like a fucking maniac.

PeytonPizza5

Peyton Manning needs an intervention.

by Danny Dagorn

Highlights of Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Rant

sherman

Richard Sherman has been turning heads in the NFL.  The Seattle Seahawks cornerback has been a very vocal player with little remorse for what he says about any opponent he faces.  Recently after his team defeated the San Francisco 49ers to advance to the Superbowl, Sherman made a few comments on a receiver that he was covering that game, Michael Crabtree.  “I’m the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get.”  Sherman stated.

Here are some highlights from Richard Sherman’s post-game interview with our reporter Fish Nelson after defeating the Niners:

Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Quotes:

 - “Well, I’m the best corner in the game!  When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that’s the result you gonna get!  Don’t you EVER talk about me.  Crabtree. Don’t you open your mouth about the best. Or I’m gonna shut it for you real quick.  Michael Crabtree is mediocre at best.”

 - “Crabtree.  Just a straight up douche ass.”

 - “The Broncos are a joke.  Mediocre at best.  Idiots”

 - “By the way, have you seen the Wolf of Wall Street?  That movie was mediocre at best!  Definitely not Scorsese’s best work.”  

 - “I was driving here before the game and I heard a new song by Lorde.  Just mediocre, seriously.”  

 - “Have you seen Peyton Manning’s forehead?”

 - “I tried watching season one of the West Wing.  Mediocre at best.”  

 - “I ordered mediocre cheesy breadsticks from Papa John’s last night.”

 - “The new Samsung S4?!  Mediocre accessibility at best!”

“Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, mediocre research at best.”

If Richard Sherman wants to continue to blatantly insult people, then he has to pull off this Superbowl win against the Denver Broncos.  What a sweetheart.

by Danny Dagorn

Kevin Garnett Traded To Chelsea FC.

KGchelsea

Just look at that picture.  That’s one happy 57 year-old power forward, smiling joyfully in a big blue Chelsea jersey.  Yup, a Chelsea jersey.  Kevin Garnett.  At a soccer stadium.  In a soccer jersey.

This week, while preparing for what may be considered the lamest game of the year, the Brooklyn Nets (15-22) arrived in London, England for an abysmal match-up against the Atlanta Hawks (20-18).  After a long flight from New York to London, Garnett decided to explore the British city while his teammates fell asleep in their hotel rooms.  He was starting to realize how miserable the Brooklyn Nets season has been.

He started his exploration by making his way to a British pub to try some local beer.  To his surprise, head coach Jason Kidd was already in the pub passed out at the bar with eight empty beer glasses by his head.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back or whatever.  Garnett decided not to help out his alcoholic coach and instead called his agent to set him up with a meeting with Chelsea, the world famous soccer club in London.  “I’m sick of basketball.  I’m sick of Brooklyn.  I’m sick of this shitty season.  I want to be traded to a soccer club!!!”  Garnett screamed at his agent.  “Make it happen!”  KG’s agent, Bill Puhduh, was astonished to get the phone call, but he knew that he had to make his client happy.

Puhduh immediately contacted Jose Mourinho, the high-powered, high-profile manager for Chelsea FC.  “I know this sounds crazy, but my client would really like to play for Chelsea and it would be a stupid and crazy publicity stunt that can work for both of us.” Puhduh stated.  “Let’s work something out.”  Mourinho then contacted the manager of the Nets, Billy King, who was willing to do any trade because of his horrible managerial skills.  The two spoke over the phone for nearly twenty minutes until a deal was struck.  Forwards André Schürrle and Demba Ba of Chelsea will now be playing for the Brooklyn Nets franchise, while Kevin Garnett will now be a part of Chelsea.

It’s confusing and it’s weird, but it happened and now both teams will have to figure out how to fit these new players into their systems.  Garnett made a statement about the trade.  “I couldn’t be happier right now.  I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I’m happy.  I had to get away from Brooklyn and that mess.  Now I can live my dream of being the first NBA player to play in the English Premier League.  Fuck yeah!”  The talented german André Schürrle also made a comment on the move to Brooklyn.  “Das ist schrecklich” translating to “This is horrible.”

by Danny Dagorn

Peyton Manning Breaks Single-Season Record For Most Papa John’s Consumed

Manningpizza

When it’s all said and done, Peyton Manning will be known as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history.  You would think that father time would eventually catch up with Manning, but that has yet to happen.  This year, at 37, Peyton Manning looked unstoppable.  With help from a very solid Denver Broncos team, Peyton Mannng broke the single-season passing yards record by throwing a total of 5,477 yards.  Damn.  He also managed to break another incredible record.  This record, however, involved pizza.  Yup, Papa John’s has been the only thing on Peyton’s mind this year and with a winning spirit, the legend decided to go for the ultimate accomplishment.  Manning ate a total of 2,387 slices of Papa John’s pizza this season, passing the record previously held by Jerome Bettis.

“It was a real team effort.  I don’t think I could have done it without the help of late night delivery from Papa John’s and of course Pepto-Bismol.” Manning said in an interview with our own Todd Helton.  We also interviewed several doctors to get their thoughts on this enormous amount of indigestion.  Doctor Lee Ornament of the Denver Health Medical Center said this statement in regard to Manning’s record. “He’ll probably die.  That’s just too much sauce, too much pepperoni and too much cheese for one giant man’s system.”

Next season many other athletes will be aiming for Peyton’s record.  Clay Matthews is already pizza training his stomach for next year.  NBA player Roy Hibbert has even challenged Manning in saying that he is willing to eat 3,000 slices of pizza in one season.  With all of this Papa John’s consumed, there may not be enough Pepto-Bismol in the world to keep these athletes off of the toilet next season.

By Danny Dagorn