Lebron Remembers That He Now Has To Live In Cleveland Again, Regrets Everything

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Friday, July 11th, 2014 will forever be known as the day that Lebron James made his decision to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead of re-signing with the Miami Heat. Returning to his home state of Ohio felt like the right move on Friday, but now it seems that King James is having second thoughts about everything. Lebron is realizing that returning to Cleveland means that he will actually have to, well, live in Cleveland.

Today James addressed the media on his shocking decision, however it was Lebron that looked just as shocked as anyone else. “Cleveland man. This place has uh…a great culture. I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pretty cool, right? What else, what else.” Lebron stared into space as he realized the inevitable. He was now stuck in Cleveland, Ohio. “What am I doing?” James quietly asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling. “I was literally at the beach a week ago.”

At one point during the press conference Lebron remembered his old home in gorgeous Miami and started to cry. “Yup. Cleveland is great.” James muttered as he put his head down on the table and wept. It seems that everyone in Ohio, except Lebron will be excited for a new season of NBA basketball this year.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: Luis Suarez Still A Vampire

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Luis Suarez is at it again. The extremely talented Uruguayan striker has bitten off more than he can chew, literally. In an intense game between Uruguay and Italy on Tuesday, Suarez decided to unleash his inner vampire and bite yet another helpless victim. This time the innocent victim, or as Suarez puts it, the “delicious treat,” was defender Giorgio Chiellini of Italy.

In the second half of the World Cup clash, there was a small scuffle between Suarez and Chiellini. At first it looked like a harmless foul, but upon closer review it was revealed that the vampiric Luis Suarez had bitten yet another opponent. This is Suarez’s third biting incident in his soccer (football) career. (See TurnoverSport’s first Suarez-Vampire article here) It is very evident that we must now prepare ourselves for more vampire attacks like this one.

At this rate the blood-sucking Dracula of a soccer player will strike again, and perhaps he will bring out more creatures like himself. This poses a lot of questions for not only FIFA, but also civilization. Can Suarez control his urge to feast on blood? Did he feel threatened by Chiellini because the Italians possibly smelled of pasta and garlic? Is the whole population of Uruguay just vampires? Where is Blade? All we can do is pray that the Uruguayan striker spares us of his violent hunger.

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: USA Beats Portugal!

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We all knew it was coming! Finally, the United States Men’s National Team has accomplished the impossible and advanced in the FIFA World Cup in Brazil. Sunday night, the “Group of Death” didn’t seem so bad when forward Clint Dempsey put in the game winner at the 81st minute of the game against Portugal. It was absolutely incredible.

Now I turned the game off at the 92nd minute, but I’m sure we totally won. There’s literally no way that we could have blown the lead that late into the game.  I can’t believe how great the United States played. The USMNT took advantage of a flawed Portugal side, and exploited every crack in their defense. By the end of the game it looked like Portugal might have a slight chance to snatch a second goal, but I turned the game off because I felt that there was zero chance of us fucking up on the last play of the game.The good ol’ Red, White, and Blue finally have a system in place to win soccer games, and we are on to the next round of the World Cup.

Watching soccer (football) can be so rewarding, and the U.S. Men’s National Team has inspired a nation with their win on Sunday night in Manaus. Now we have to focus on Germany, but after beating Portugal, I’d say that we have a pretty good shot at winning. Good job guys! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

by Danny Dagorn

World Cup Update: England to Sport New ‘Game of Thrones’-Themed Jerseys

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England are a loss away from being bounced from the World Cup. If they don’t pull out a positive result from the Uruguay game later today, then the three lions will be sent packing. After so many disappointing World Cups in the past, England have decided to try a new tactic for once.

With the success of the HBO series Game of Thrones, England will be sporting new alternate jerseys that feature pictures of the characters from the hit show.  Now you can see your favorite English players like Frank Lampard wearing the face of Samwell Tarly, or Daniel Sturridge wearing the face of Jon Snow in hopes that Uruguay get so distracted by the kits that they let a few goals slip by them.

Ghana is even considering another alternate jersey that would display the faces of characters from Orange is the New Black, although most of the players have never even heard of the show. It’s a new style of jersey that Adidas, Nike, and Puma are all looking to capitalize on for the future. Nike have even started a new line of face soccer jerseys entitled the “C-List Celebrity,” where each jersey will feature pictures of celebrities like Tara Reid and Andy Dick. Only time will tell if this new line of athletic wear will last. Hopefully it works out for England.

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

 

World Cup Update: Team Australia Forced to Watch ‘Maleficent’ In Hotel Room

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We’re almost one week in and so far it has been a World Cup to remember. There have been upsets (Costa Rica defeating Uruguay), blowout wins (Germany defeating Portugal 4-0), and just about everything in between. One team in particular will have a tough time at the big tournament in Brazil, and not because of football.

The Australian National Football Team were given some horrific news this morning, while preparing for their game against Holland. The team manager, Ange Postecoglou, received a call around 8:00am from the front desk of the Hotel Ilha do Boi, the hotel in Vitoria, Brazil where the team is staying. Apparently the hotel’s cable service was malfunctioning, and the players were not happy about it. ABC, the broadcasting company televising the World Cup this year, heard about the situation and saw a great marketing opportunity. ABC, owned by Disney, really wanted to promote Maleficent while it’s still in theaters, and decided to take advantage of team Australia’s cable situation. With no cable in the hotel rooms, ABC donated 30 Blu-ray players along with 30 copies of Maleficent on Blu-ray to the Australian squad. They also instructed the hotel employees to play the movie on repeat until the end of the World Cup.

Australia now faces two huge obstacles. The first obstacle is to make it to the next round of the World Cup, which will not be easy considering that both Spain and Holland are in their group. The second obstacle is to maintain their sanity while Angelina Jolie’s face continuously projects on every hotel room television screen. Already labeled as underdogs, the Aussies don’t need any more distractions. Being forced to watch Maleficent is a huge distraction. I mean that movie looks really bad.

by Danny Dagorn

Damian Lillard Revealed To Be A Machine

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Damian Lillard has been playing like a mad person. He is proving to be one of the best point guards in the NBA and now, during the playoffs, he is showing his unbelievable star potential. His Portland Trailblazers just defeated the favorited Houston Rockets in the first round and it’s all thanks to his clutch performances. The games were intense and competitive, but it was Damian Lillard’s buzzer beater 3 point shot with 0.9 seconds left in game 6 that sent the Rockets packing. Everyone in the Moda Center went crazy, especially Lillard himself.

Once Lillard hit the series-winning shot, he looked as if he was starting to go haywire. And he was. Soon enough he started to twitch and shake frantically.  His teammates looked concerned and although the moment was supposed to be a happy one, it turned very quickly into a horrifyingly shocking situation. “He hit the shot and we were all fired up. I couldn’t believe that we just won, but then  something was off about Damian” teammate Robin Lopez stated.

The star point guard started to quickly make his way to the locker room, but it was Houston Rockets forward Chandler Parsons that revealed the truth about Lillard before he could get away from the spotlight. Parsons tackled Lillard and started pulling at Lillard’s skin until he felt it tear. Fans, players, and coaches all looked terrified as Chandler Parsons stood in the Moda Center holding half of Damian’s face. However, it wasn’t real skin. It was synthetic. And when Lillard stood up to defend himself, he revealed that he was, in fact, a machine.

Now it makes sense. This prototypical all-star basketball player, was actually a prototype. His freakish athleticism, skill, and shooting ability is now completely understandable. Damian Lillard aka KR-7574, has not been seen since the post-game mishap and is rumored to be gathering all machine clones to begin the judgement day process. Everyone reading this should probably board up, and prepare for the end. The Portland Trailblazers will have to start Earl Watson from now on.

by Danny Dagorn

Sixers to Have Open Tryouts

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The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers are hitting an all time low.  With a losing streak of sixteen games in a row, the young team out of Philly are struggling to compete in any way.  A squad that once showcased talented players like Julius Erving, Charles Barkley, and Allen Iverson, has now been reduced to giving minutes to players like Byron Mullens, Jarvis Varnado, and some other guy.  The Sixers are aware of their obvious flaws and have finally decided to do something about it.

All this month the organization will be holding open tryouts to the public.  Sam Hinkie, the Sixers General Manager, made a statement about the tryouts this morning.

“I know that it’s been a rough season for all nine of the Sixers fans out there, but things are looking good for our future.  This month we will be hosting open tryouts to the general public.  If you have a desire to play basketball, or even if you have just a pulse, come on down!  Who wouldn’t want a chance to play with game changers like Eric Maynor or Hollis Thompson?”  Hinkie said.

The people of Philadelphia have been lining up outside of the Wells Fargo Center to get a shot at becoming a professional basketball player.  The rigorous tryouts will focus on the many different aspects of playing for the Sixers.  Some of the tough drills will include guarding Michael Carter-Williams, yelling at Byron Mullens to stop shooting, massaging Nerlens Noel’s knees, passing the ball to Thaddeus Young, and convincing coach Brett Brown to back away from the ledge.

The Sixers management is hoping to find a real gem from the thousands of people attempting to tryout.  So far many of the competitors have shown real promise.  Already athletes like thirteen year-old Katy Smith of Delaware, twenty-eight year-old Vlac Dimic of Serbia, and fifty-six year-old Don Jackson of Philadelphia, have received call-backs from the Sixers.  By April 1st the team will make their final decision as to which athlete will be given a contract for the rest of the season.

by Danny Dagorn

NBA Unveils New All Star Uniforms

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The 2014 NBA All Star Weekend is fast approaching and fans everywhere have been waiting to see the big all star game on Sunday night.  Don’t forget about the dunk contest on Saturday too.  Fans have also been excited for the new jerseys that have been released to the public earlier this week.  They are quite unusual uniforms.

In an effort to spice up the festivities, the NBA has added masks to the required uniforms for the game.  So not only will you be able to watch your favorite basketball player, but you can also watch him play as a horse, an orange, a burglar, or even Batman!  Many players are disappointed with the masks that they have been given, while others are absolutely thrilled.  Dwight Howard was happy when he found out that his mask would be a Spiderman mask.  “Even though people call me Superman, I can deal with being Spiderman for a night.  I feel bad for Kyrie.  He has to be Donkey from Shrek!”  Howard said.  Other All Stars, like Kyrie Irving, were given masks that are a bit absurd.  Below is a picture of the athletes wearing the new All Star Jerseys, as well as the new All Star masks.

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(from left to right) Kyrie Irving, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, Paul George

As you can see, this is a great PR move for the NBA.  It shows that they’re really trying to entertain fans to the best of their ability.  It might be hard for players to see anything while they play, but who gives a shit about the score of the All Star game anyway.  The NBA still hasn’t given Anthony Davis his mask yet but it’s rumored to either be Iron Man or a beaver.

by Danny Dagorn

Chris Kaman Dies On The Bench

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It’s a sad story.  Last night the Lakers played the Cavaliers in what had to be one of the most pathetic games that the NBA community has ever seen.  The Los Angeles Lakers, who were extremely short-handed, managed to dominate the horrible Cleveland Cavaliers.  LA only had eight players available, which eventually dwindled down to four after two players got injured, and two more fouled out. (Robert Sacre fouled out but eventually had to return to the game because the Lakers needed five players on the court.  It was a mess.)

Sure, the game was a real tragedy, but it doesn’t compare to the tragedy of Chris Kaman.  After fouling out of the game early in the fourth quarter, Kaman went to the bench.  He then decided to lay down on all of the chairs on the sideline.  Everyone in the stadium looked very confused as they saw Kaman sprawled out on the Lakers bench.  Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni looked over at the tall, white mass and just shrugged it off.  Let’s face it, with this Lakers season, nothing surprises D’Antoni at this point.  Little did D’Antoni know, Chris Kaman was dead.

That’s right.  Dead.  Once the gentle giant laid down, he immediately passed away.  Nobody is certain why he died but when our reporter Anna Sheeps asked teammate Steve Nash about Kaman’s untimely passing, Nash responded with two words, “locos tacos.”  The NBA is still mourning the sad death of one of basketball’s true legends.  Earlier today the rock icon Bono made an announcement that there will be a tribute concert to the late Chris Kaman.  The concert series will be called “Live Chris”.

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Bono announcing “Live Chris”

“Live Chris” will feature some of Kaman’s favorite bands like Kansas and Nine Inch Nails.  The event will be held later this year.  Metta World Peace is expected to perform a duet with a drunk Dennis Rodman.

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Chris Kaman

RIP Chris Kaman (1825-2014)

by Danny Dagorn

 

 

 

Super Bowl To Be Put Down After A Good Run

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Years and years of exciting football led to one of the most disappointing games of all time on Sunday.  Fat fucks everywhere sat on their couches and watched as the number 1 defense, Seattle Seahawks, destroyed the number 1 offense, the Denver Broncos.  Most of us who watched Super Bowl XLVIII felt upset, not only because of the game, but also because of the shitty Bud Light commercials as well.  As a direct result of bad reviews and lots of unnerving fan mail, the National Football League have decided to take action.

After two days of processing the big game, a critical decision by the NFL has been made to put down the Super Bowl.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell broke the news early this morning in tears.  “There’s just nothing more we can do for her.  We had so many great memories, but it’s just her time to go.” Goodell said as he weeped.  Doctors are standing by now to receive the Super Bowl, which is in critical condition after the horrible accident on Sunday.  Our reporter Fish Nelson stated that a local veterinarian, Doctor Yute Stacker, will be the one to lethally inject the Super Bowl.  NFL superstars like Peyton Manning, Richard Sherman, and Clay Matthews will all be present to provide support for the Super Bowl as she takes her last breath.

by Danny Dagorn