Luis Suarez can’t stop scoring. This year the English soccer club Liverpool are serious contenders for the Barclays Premier League title, and with Suarez scoring at the rate that he is now, it seems that they could succeed. Already the Uruguayan has scored 15 goals in just 10 match appearances. Defenders are fearful every time they have to compete against him and they have a right to be afraid…really, really afraid.
According to our alcoholic field reporter Bing Jeeves, the Liverpool striker, after multiple tests from the team doctor, has been officially classified as a vampire. For the longest time managers, scouts, and players have always been curious about the size and sharpness of Suarez’s teeth. Team captain Steven Gerrard made a comment earlier this week about the recent discovery. “His teeth don’t look human. Teeth normally don’t stick out like his do. There’s also that thing that he does when he bites opponents for no reason.”
The evidence is clear and has been for some time. Last season during a match against rivals Chelsea, Suarez took a bite out of opposing defender Branislav Ivanovic’s arm. At the time everyone assumed it was a moment of pure anger, but it seems now that he was just thirsty for blood.
Teams around the league are suddenly preparing new ways to face Luis Suarez with the new evidence of his vampiric ways. Tottenham, who play Liverpool this Sunday, are preparing by filling their pockets with garlic and wearing crosses around their necks. Hopefully everyone makes it out alive. Whether it be from Suarez scoring a hat trick, or Suarez sucking the life out of the innocent, at least Liverpool fans will get a great show.
by Danny Dagorn