Landon Donovan’s Hair to Retire From Head

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One of the most dominant forces in MLS history is calling it quits at the end of 2014. That’s right, Landon Donovan’s hair is finally receding to the point of no return, and by the end of the MLS season, it, along with Donovan himself, will be retiring after a longish career. Donovan’s hair made a statement to the public last week about leaving:

It’s been a nice ride, but there comes a time when you have to look at yourself in the mirror and accept the inevitable. I’m leaving and clearly, as you can see, my time is coming to an end. I’ll always have these memories of the MLS and of the US National Team and I can say that I have no regrets…not even when I was blonde back in 2000.”

Landon Donovan even spoke about how he will miss the LA Galaxy games, the players, the competition, and of course, his own hair. “I always thought that we would have more time together, but it doesn’t seem like that will be the case.” Donovan stated about his hair. “Look at this hairline. It’s pretty bad.”

by Danny Dagorn

 

Lucky Fan Goes Home With Piece of Paul George’s Fibula

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Friday was a tragic day for basketball fans everywhere when Paul George, a member of the Indiana Pacers and the US men’s national basketball team, broke his leg in the most gruesome of fashions during the US Men’s basketball showcase game. The members of Team USA looked on in horror as the all star guard/forward took quite the tumble and basically split his leg in half. (If you’re squeamish, we recommend not Googling the images of his leg.)

Almost everyone in the building was in shock, except for one lucky fan who got a surprise at the end of the night. Garrett Paulson, a dedicated Pacers fan, was in attendance on Friday for the showcase. When George went down it was a hard pill to swallow for Paulson, but his night wouldn’t end in dismay. The Pacers fan noticed when he looked down that a piece of bone was laying on the floor by his shoe. Paulson knew that there were no chicken wings being sold at the concession stand, so it had to be a bone from something else.

When the injury occurred, a piece of George’s leg flung into the stands without anyone realizing what had happened. As medics searched around the court for the missing piece of fibula, Paulson realized what was by his seat. Paulson then quietly grabbed the bone and put it in his back pocket before fleeing the arena. He is currently making a Paul George shrine in his basement. Paul George’s recovery time now depends on whether or not Garrett Paulson will give back the piece of bone, however, it doesn’t seem likely.

by Danny Dagorn

Blake Griffin Will Not Play for Team USA to Focus on Acting

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All-Star forward for the Los Angeles Clippers, Blake Griffin will not be joining the USA Basketball team in Spain this summer. According to his agent, Scott Van Scottenstein, “Blake wants to focus and dedicate 100 percent of his energy on improving his acting skills for his many sponsors.” While Griffin easily had his best basketball season averaging career highs 24.1 ppg, 9.5 rpg, 3.9 apg,, he was not satisfied with acting in only 287 Subway commercials, 134 Nike commercials, and 4,399 Kia a.k.a Griffinforce commercials.

Griffin would also like to take his talents to Broadway. This makes it seems like he would like to play for New York Knicks, but he actually wants to act in Broadway musicals and plays. Blake commented, “I would absolutely love to bask in the bright lights, dance to a choreographed number in costume, and belt out high notes, just like my idol, Liza Minnelli.”

There have also been claims that some Clipper’s players will be boycotting the team while it’s under the controversial ownership of Donald Sterling. One of those players, All-Star guard Chris Paul, commented on Blake Griffin’s aspirations. “Blake is like a brother to me. Hey even my kid loves him! But this Broadway shit is crazy. He might as well play for that racist old bastard.”

By Josh Kastner

Kevin Love Leaving Team USA To Focus More On Leaving Minnesota

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Star forward/center Kevin Love has announced that he will not be a part of Team USA for the upcoming FIBA Basketball World Cup, leaving a big hole on the roster. Love was originally on the roster, but decided that he had too much to focus on, like not wanting to play for his current team, the Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not playing for Team USA in September. I really should be focusing on not playing for Minnesota. What do you guys expect from me?” Love said in an interview early this morning. “This decision is a hard one, but it will be better if I leave Team USA to put all my energy into leaving the Timberwolves.”

Not only is Kevin Love expected to leave Team USA and the Timberwolves, but he has a few other things that he wants to focus on leaving as well. “I’m leaving my girlfriend. I’m leaving my insurance company. I’m thinking about leaving my bank. There are just a lot of things I need to leave after leaving Team USA.”

Kevin will be taking some time off, but sure enough sooner or later he will get right back to leaving as soon as possible. “When you make too many commitments, it really sucks. Leaving everything is just easier.” Midway through the interview, Love left without even giving reporters a chance to write anything down. “Yeah I’m leaving, sorry guys.” Love said.

by Danny Dagorn

Jeremy Lin Gets Lost In Los Angeles Bed Bath & Beyond

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On a warm afternoon this week, Jeremy Lin decided to take a trip to a local Bed, Bath & Beyond in LA to buy a humidifier for his new apartment. Lin, having just moved to Los Angeles after being traded from Houston, felt his new apartment was a bit dry and needed to take care of the situation as soon as possible. Jeremy figured that Bed, Bath & Beyond was a good option to find top of the line apartment needs, but what he didn’t anticipate was the amount of confusion and suffering he would have to go through to find a simple humidifier.

Getting to the store was the easy part for Lin. “I just typed in “Bed Beth and Beyond” into my phone’s GPS and sure enough there was one like right down the street from my apartment.” Getting out of the store was a whole other problem. “Once I was inside the store, I made my way past the ‘As Seen on TV’ section and past the wall full of drapes. Then I looked around and had no idea where I was anymore.” Lin said. The Laker point guard looked around for help but he couldn’t even find his way out of a maze of pillow accessories. “At one point I just screamed for help and still nobody was around. I started to worry.”

After walking around aimlessly for 28 minutes by the ‘Back to College’ aisle, Lin called it quits. “I gave up. The humidifier wasn’t even worth it anymore. I was scared for my life and just wanted to get out.” Lin retraced his steps, found the exit door, and sprinted out of the Bed, Bath and Beyond. He then made his way back to his studio apartment and ordered a deluxe humidifier from Amazon. It looks like Jeremy Lin will have to deal with his dry apartment for another week or so. “Yeah I don’t have Amazon Prime, so the delivery will take a bit longer” Lin stated.

by Danny Dagorn

Lebron Remembers That He Now Has To Live In Cleveland Again, Regrets Everything

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Friday, July 11th, 2014 will forever be known as the day that Lebron James made his decision to sign with the Cleveland Cavaliers, instead of re-signing with the Miami Heat. Returning to his home state of Ohio felt like the right move on Friday, but now it seems that King James is having second thoughts about everything. Lebron is realizing that returning to Cleveland means that he will actually have to, well, live in Cleveland.

Today James addressed the media on his shocking decision, however it was Lebron that looked just as shocked as anyone else. “Cleveland man. This place has uh…a great culture. I mean, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pretty cool, right? What else, what else.” Lebron stared into space as he realized the inevitable. He was now stuck in Cleveland, Ohio. “What am I doing?” James quietly asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling. “I was literally at the beach a week ago.”

At one point during the press conference Lebron remembered his old home in gorgeous Miami and started to cry. “Yup. Cleveland is great.” James muttered as he put his head down on the table and wept. It seems that everyone in Ohio, except Lebron will be excited for a new season of NBA basketball this year.

by Danny Dagorn

New Contracts Land McRoberts and Frye Leased Hondas

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NBA free agency has been pretty lackluster since the floodgates opened with free agents like Carmelo Anthony and LeBron James still mulling their offers. Only bottom of the barrel free agents have signed on with new teams, like Channing Frye, who signed with the Magic for $30 million, while Josh McRoberts (white) signed for $25 million with the reigning eastern conference champions the Miami Heat. Following their signings yesterday, both players met up at a Honda dealer in Florida, where they each leased a Honda CRV, to celebrate their ridiculously overpaid contracts.

McRoberts, who has never averaged over 10 points in a full season in the NBA, was shocked to learn that Channing Frye had never driven a Honda before, and told him he was in for a treat. After pulling out of the dealership, Frye smashed his car into a bicyclist, and fled the scene before the biker got up. Frye followed McRoberts into an abandoned parking lot, where McRoberts calmed Frye down by telling him not to worry, considering they both just got paid.

The two picked up beer, and McRoberts called his future teammate, Danny Granger, who was busy exchanging change for cash at the local TD bank, considering his lousy $2 million dollar deal wasn’t as much as he hoped for. Frye on the other hand found himself invited to Epcot where he was supposed to meet his new teammate Victor Oladipo, who was a no show after he was arrested for punching Minnie Mouse in the face.

By Kyle Simon